love letters

finally making some progress on something i've been wanting to do since last fall (some readers might recognize their own handwriting...if not now, then later). 

it's cheesy at first glance but i think it could be more layered in meaning when it's done. and it's definitely sincere. either way, it's a good way to keep working because i don't have a grand plan right now.

"...process, in a sense, is liberating and you don’t have to reinvent the wheel every day....and at least for a certain period of time you can just work. If you hang in there, you will get somewhere." --Chuck Close

all the greens

i'm stalling. but at least i'm pretending to make progress.

we were in a forest in costa rica right after it rained. green seemed to envelope us.
nick told me that humans see more shades (hues?) of green than any other color. i totally believe it. we began to think of all the "official" names of the color green we use. like "mint, sea foam, spring, sage, lime, olive, hunter etc." most are food related and there's lots.

but i tried look this up for scientific back up and if it isn't on a forum that's pretty dumb, then it's on wikipedia articles that are way too complex to be fun anymore.

so without being willing to find a trusted source or prove that's it's true, i just simply tell myself that it's an adaptation because, not only are we (or at least we were) surrounded by plants of all sorts, we had to figure out which was what in order to use them without dying. like for food or medicine. being able to differentiate between all the greens became a way to survive.

i suppose if we ate rocks, we'd be able to identify and cleverly name more colors of grey and brown.
yummy yummy rocks.

ANYHOW:
this is all me figuring out why in the world i'll care to spend so much time doing the next few projects i have in mind. it helps to remember that green is a pretty important and "loaded" color.

in preparation, i made another one of these color charts using most the blues, greens and yellows i own so i can see the variety i can get. turns out i don't have that many.

these charts are easy but require lots of brush and palette washing to keep colors pure. the results are useful though.

uncertainly starting

"Making art now means working in the face of uncertainly; it means living with doubt and contradiction, doing something no one much cares whether you do, and for which there may be neither audience or reward. Making the work you want to make means setting aside these doubts so that you may see clearly what you have done, and thereby see where to go next. Making the work you want to make means finding nourishment within the work itself." --from the opening chapter of Art and Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orland

i had a successful day of brainstorming not long ago. i felt energized and happy! all the ideas were happening! i was looking forward to trying out some of those ideas the next day...and i woke up paralyzed with doubt. tomorrow will be better (fingers crossed).

visit marc johns

a spring break

it's become inevitable that i need to take a short break from updates on my personal artwork. this is a difficult admission because i really feel proud that up until now, i've been able to have something to show for myself each week. it's been a real motivator to make noticeable progress.

1. i'm involved with teaching again, and though it's only a few hours a week...i'm making samples and ideas happen for these kids. there will be an update or two on it and its all closely related to my own processes, but my exemplars don't necessarily reflect what i want to post here for the next month or more.

2. the current personal projects i've got going are large and time consuming. it'd be boring and anti-climatic to post weekly progress since it's literally on an inch by inch basis...or not even visual art (oooo...cryptic!)

stay tuned for continued doyou haiku posts on wednesdays and i hope to be back in april with some new stuff to share.

creative block: my inner cheerleader

time consuming art making processes get me worried and very insecure---a feast of feelings for my inner critic!

my main concerns turn into a flurry of negative self-talk:

• who's to say your idea will even be good and worth it? (inner critic says "this is stupid.")
• what about all the time, energy and resources? (inner critic says "you should have been doing something else better. what a waste.")
• how do i know when it's time to quit or just push through? (inner critic says "don't be a wimp.")
• who cares and who is this benefiting? (inner critic says "no one cares. it's worthless.")
• is this good enough? (inner critic says "no. you're an impostor. it'll never be right.")

art can bring levity sometimes. i mean, in the grand scheme of things, i know choosing the wrong color or paper isn't going to ruin anyone's life. but the Mind Blocks these insecurities create are no less real and serious. they extend into ALL aspects of my life, creative or otherwise. and why hide that? shame is just another way for our inner critics to win. i know that many of us struggle with the exact same abusive self-talk.

but what if our inner critics were kind, gentle and nurturing? sure, tough love is good for us on occasion...but my inner critic certainly does NOT love me. not even close. i would never, ever be friends with someone like that and i definitely wouldn't listen to what they had to say about me if it was always bad!

how am i handling this lately? slowly! (actually, today was bad, hence this post).

90% of my worries and negative thoughts are product driven. end results. bottom lines. that is NOT my goal (though a good end product with some $ attached would be a nice addition!)
my goal is the Present and working through it...slushing, trundling, falling, running and maybe sometimes soaring through it and feeling accomplished in the WORK of that. our future selves don't even exist, yet our inner critic compares us to them constantly. how is this fair?

lately, i'm forcing myself to say "just decide and do something. at least it's something!" and then just being okay with the "doing something" part and not it's yield. these somethings are very small and often mundane, and it's still VERY challenging for me. but that's okay! it's still practice toward taming my evil inner critic and helping her to become a kind inner cheerleader instead. we all need one of those; it's rough out there.